So hi everyone! I know I said I would be more active...but honestly since starting university I have practically no free time. I didn't expect it to be so heavy on me...it's like all I do is attend lectures, do my home reading, clean out my pets and between that I'm usually with my boyfriend. So this hiatus could be long term, until summer at least. I really need to get a good start in uni. To be honest I'm not enjoying it. I haven't made a single friend. It's not like I haven't tried. Everyone is so timid or already has their friendship group...I'm not living on campus which doesn't help. The lectures are boring and I have never felt so disinterested in a subject I feel so passionate about. I'm studying animal behaviour...only that particular subject is one module...the rest is physiology, data handling, genetics....stuff I really didn't want to focus on. I feel out of my depth and I don't think I'll do well at all.
It's frustrating because I've had to give up time at work for this, and I'm now earning significantly less, have more bills to pay thanks to a stupid ex who got me into debt, and among that my dad is expecting me to spend every moment of my adult life at home under his roof. I am not where I want to be in life, I'm three years behind. All my friends have just graduated. I'm just starting out. All I want to do is work full time. But if I give up on uni I'll regret it 10 years from now. I just want to have my degree, be in a steady job, pay off my debts and start looking for a place of my own to rent with my boyfriend. Ugh...I've never felt so trapped and frustrated. I know I'm incredibly lucky to be able to study at uni, but i'm just angry with myself for wasting years studying subjects in college that would lead me nowhere. I could be where I want to be right now if I'd have just gone to a different college and studied for two years there.
I'm also looking into my mental health...I've had terrible anxiety attacks and to be honest, I haven't told anyone. I'm really a bit of a mess right now and I think all the above has something to do with it. I can't express how I feel to anyone at all (not face to face anyway), I just turn into a blubbering wreck. I go silent if anyone asks me anything I'm uncomfortable with or if I feel awkward, or if I feel in the wrong, or talking about intimate subjects. I don't have any self confidence or esteem, but I put up this facade so nobody thinks that. Until, like my boyfriend, they see me at my most vulnerable point and then I just crumble. I don't know what's going on with me.
Oh well. Everything happens for a reason. I just hope this reason will show itself soon enough, because I'm starting to doubt myself and the choice I've made. Hope y'all are doing well.